by Thomas Davidson
Bear (in happier days)
Beheadings on YouTube. Crucifixions in Syria. A vampire wanna-be with body modifications in his head that resemble protruding horns. Surely it can’t get any worse. What’s next? Insensitivity in the National Football League?
Then…this. This gem pops up last week in several news outlets. Wait. Hang onto your Pineapple Lemonade Sangria. Here’s the story in a nutshell. Ready?
Man Allegedly Cooked Ex-Girlfriend’s Dog, Served It to Her for Dinner
A California man is accused of killing his ex-girlfriend’s dog, cooking it, and serving it to her for dinner.
Ryan Eddy Watenpaugh, 34, of Palo Cedra, California (pictured above), has been charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment, stalking and animal cruelty. The victim told police she and Watenpaugh argued on Aug. 4. She claimed he physically assaulted her so she ran out the back door of her apartment. When she returned, Watenpaugh and her Pomeranian, “Bear,” were gone.
The couple briefly reconnected in early September. Watenpaugh cooked her dinner that included meat. On Sept. 7, “the victim received a text message from Watenpaugh asking her how the dog tasted, and referenced the meal he had cooked for her,” the police said in a press release.
Two days later, Watenpaugh put a small bag containing two dog paws outside her front door, which she identified as belonging to Bear. “He confessed to sending the messages and dropping off the dog’s paws, but denied killing or cooking the victim’s dog,” the press release says.
Perhaps he found the dog’s paws while walking to morning mass? Watenpaugh is currently reading recipes in Shasta County Jail on $250,000 bail.
That’s the bad news. Here’s the good news.
Although little Bear was killed, the pooch lives on. Proof? According to the book of Daniel, the Lion will lie down with the Lamb. So there you have it, animals in the afterlife. But there’s more to the story.
Fyodor Dogstoyevsky, canine-afterlife guru
Doggie devotee, Fyodor Dogstoyevsky (pictured above) directed me to growls-and-grudges.com. This website focuses on pets, the afterlife, and revenge. According to G&G, when animal abusers die, they go to the hereafter, which includes a detention center with a cafeteria. We’ve all heard the idiomatic expression, “in the doghouse,” when you so completely effed-up that your parent or spouse has booted you out of the house, and you must snooze in the doghouse with the dog. Well, Ryan Eddy Watenpaugh should view the Shasta County Jail as the Four Seasons Resort Maui at Wailea. His ultimate nightmare awaits him. He’s headed for the cosmic doghouse, which doesn’t mean sleeping solo on the sofa.
Creepy things occasionally occur in jail. Mr. Watenpaugh may or may not make it out of jail alive, but eventually he’ll make the celestial transfer. Bear and his crew await. Warning! What follows is not for the squeamish.
celestial transfer (caught on camera)
Picture it. Ryan Eddy drops dead. Whoosh! Within seconds he wakes up in the clouds, surrounded by mad dogs. A philosopher at heart, he astutely observes, “What the fuh…?” Strapped to a gurney, he’s wheeled into a detention center’s kitchen adjoining the dining facility. A Rottweiler, dressed as a catsup-stained busboy, stands on his hind legs and pushes the gurney through the aluminum swinging doors. Bear the Pomeranian stands inside by a counter with a cutting board. He barks, “We meet again.” Bear holds up his front legs, his paws have been miraculously reattached. He extends his paw for a paw-shake, and opts for rhetorical frippery. “Remember me?”
“What?” Ryan Eddy Watenpaugh blinks his eyes. “Why are you shaking paprika on my face? Listen here, you little sonofa…”
From behind, the Rottweiler swings a giant ham-bone down and knocks Watenpaugh unconscious.
Ya wanna beer with that bowl of goulash?
Later that night it’s dinnertime at the cafeteria (a/k/a/ the cARFeteria). The speakers on the walls pulse with Elvis Presley’s “You Ain’t Nothin’ But a Hound Dog,” and Marvin Gaye’s “I’ll be Doggone.” Mighty Marvin Gaye, the soul singer? This must be heaven. Dogs arrive, grab lunch trays, get in line. A bulldog waddles along, inspects the steamy food behind the glass, and barks out, “That stinks delicious. What is that muddy slop? Looks like something I’d step into on the sidewalk. Mmm. Woof woof!”
“It’s a new recipe,” Bear the Chef beams. “Now keep the line moving. Don’t slobber. And for gosh sake, don’t wolf it down. Savor it.”
“I’m so hungry,” the bulldog said, “I could eat a horse.”
“I don’t know about a horse,” Bear said, “but how about a sadist?”
“Yummy. Can you share the recipe?”
“Love to. And remember—I’m putting the ghoul back into goulash.”
![Are you ready…for some Ryan Eddy?]()
- Are you ready…for some Ryan Eddy?
Ingredients for mouth-watering Watenpaugh Ghoulash. Recipe makes 20 servings.
10 pounds lean ground Ryan
4 large yellow onions
16 cups Budweiser beer
1 belt buckle for seasoning
4 cans tomato sauce
10 fingers
1 chewy sock
6 bay leaves
1 pair of stinky boxer shorts
10 toes (toenails optional)
200 tablespoons seasoned salt
2 kneecaps
4 cups uncooked elbows (no, not elbow macaroni)
Remove nose and serve
After dinner, everyone lifts their leg by the rubber fire hydrant in the corner of the room and takes a squirt, then drops to the floor for a nap.
UPDATE: On the following morning, the ex-girlfriend in California opens her apartment door and finds a mysterious paper bag on the porch. For a second, she thinks of a doggy bag in a restaurant. Inside the sack are a wrinkled shirt, pants, two shoes and an empty can of paprika.
NOTE: no animals were harmed during the writing of this article.
If you hurt me, you’ll be ghoulash!
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Thomas Davidson scribbled three quirky thrillers, FLOATERS, THE MUSEUM OF SUDDEN DISAPPEARANCES and PAST IS PRESENT, and a collection of humor, BOTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDUNCE KID. He always doffs his hat when he passes a dog in the street.
Click below for his recent posts on ALL THINGS CRIME BLOG.
Crime, Craigslist and Cosmic Justice: A Murderous (Ad)Venture
King Kong STANDS HIS GROUND and Loves Forever!
Bermuda Triangle Spawns the George Washington Bridge Scandal?
The Mega Mack-Daddy of Illegitimate Daddies
Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army Meet Paul McCartney — The Secret Link?
Botch Cassidy & the SunDunce Kid Hit the Home Depot
How the Little Drummer Boy Saved Christmas
website — www.thomas-davidson.com
blog — www.jurassicjim.blogspot.com
twitter litter — @TomDavidson99