commentary by Patrick H. Moore
The fact that life is rarely completely fair is something most of us gradually come to accept. This sobering reality is captured nicely in the irony inherent in the old adage: “Be careful what you wish for. It just might come true.”
One of the things a lot of guys and a lot of women desire is to be a magician in bed, a transcendent lover who catapults your partner to dizzying heights of passionate intensity. Well, that’s a lot to live up to but certainly a worthy goal.
But suppose you were that guy who could drive his lover mad with pleasure. Or suppose you were his partner and with your perfect communion with your lover you experienced indescribable pleasure. At first blush, this would seem to be a good thing, wouldn’t it?
But you know what they say about the best laid plans, as an unnamed Italian romancer recently discovered to his dismay in the northern Italian province of Padua. Newser writes:
“There’s a noisy romp between the sheets and then there’s sex so loud it’s considered “stalking” your neighbors. That was the charge a 46-year-old Italian man apparently faced in court, after a dozen of his neighbors filed a civil suit complaining of his loud lovemaking sessions. They took issue with “screams and moans” that “disturbed the peace in the condominium and the building’s decorum,” the Local reports.
It’s unclear, however, exactly who’s doing the screaming. Some of the Italian locals and the New York Daily News report that it was actually Loverboy’s girlfriend’s screams that woke the dead and offended the naysaying inhabitants of the condo complex.
The Local reports that in the court filing, the 12 angry neighbors complained that the “screams and moans disturbed the peace in the condominium and the building’s decorum.”
According to the Articolo Tre news site, the man’s only real crime was being too good at sex, as his girlfriend’s rapturous wails kept the whole building awake.
When his turn to speak came, the 42-year-old reportedly made the logical argument that “stalking” and “noise” were not that the same thing and that he couldn’t help the fact he was “too good at sex.”
The judge was apparently in a churlish mood and was not swayed by Loverboy’s “good faith” argument. Believe it or not, he gave the magnificent c_______ 6 months in jail. It does not appear that he was clapped in irons, however, and is believed to have walked out of the courtroom a free man, stating that he planned on appealing his conviction which is perhaps a common occurrence in Italy.
Before going any further, I think it’s important to note that unless information is being withheld, there is something refreshing about reading about the exciting sex life of a couple who apparently did not feel the need to engage in Erotic Asphyxiation (EA) or other alternative sexual practices, not that there’s anything wrong with alternative practices; rather, this case simply proves that the Creator or whatever alternative force brought us into being knew what he/she/it was doing when endowing humans with the sexual prerogative.
This is not the first time neighbours have filed a case over loud sex. In the UK in 2010, a woman was twice spared jail despite breaching court orders that she stop shouting and screaming during sex.
What is surpassingly strange, though, is the fact that as much fun as the world’s best sex may be, until you get arrested and jailed for being “too good at it,” what apparently really pays off when it comes to lining your pockets with ducats is bad sex, as another Italian couple recently discovered.
It’s not your everyday court decision: An Italian couple has been awarded $28,000 in relation to their bad sex life. But the case isn’t quite as crazy as that might seem. Some two years ago, the female half of the couple was hit by a car while crossing the street; the injuries she sustained initially left her bedridden for three months, reports Italy’s La Nazione, and have permanently damaged their ability to have a sex life on par with what they previously enjoyed. And there are also other limitations for the two, who say they can’t ride bikes or travel together.
As you might expect, the attorney representing the insurance company of the driver who hit the poor (un)fortunate woman, did not go down easily. If fact, in the best tradition of that exalted class of men and women known as criminal defense attorneys, the driver’s attorney got right to the point saying that as a middle-aged couple they wouldn’t be having an active sex life anyway, so where was the harm?
According to La Nazione, the Tuscan judge was unpersuaded. “You cannot consider age in the couple’s relationship—whether in sexual, social, or leisure terms.”
It is also reported that due to his wife’s injury, the husband now has to handle all the cooking, cleaning, and chores.
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We live in a strange world. You get paid if you can’t have sex and you go to jail for being too good at it.