by BJW Nashe
Let’s face it, there are no holidays in the world of crime. Most criminals are not swept away by the “most wonderful time of the year.” There are no days off — just more crime. Christmas simply means that the crimes tend to take on a strange yuletide twist.
Think Terry Zwigoff’s brilliantly deranged film Bad Santa (2003) was far-fetched? Check out the following selection of bizarre Christmas crime stories, featuring all sorts of transgressions — from armed robbery and vandalism, to drunk driving and groping. These prove that when it comes to the holiday season, the weather outside is not the only thing frightful.
The Santa Claus Bank Robber. In 2009, an armed man dressed up as Santa Claus robbed a bank in the Nashville, Tennessee area, saying that he needed to “pay his elves.” Police said that the suspect, wearing a full Santa Claus costume complete with a hat, beard and a sack over his shoulder, entered the Sun Trust Bank on Old Hickory Boulevard and strolled right up to a teller. When the teller asked Santa to remove his sunglasses, he refused, reached into his sack and pulled out a gun. He demanded money and told the tellers if they put any cash dye bombs in with his loot he’d come back and “kill everyone.” Santa then took the money and fled. According to witnesses, the suspect was clumsy and seemed jovial. A few months later, on March 19, 2010, this same fellow — identified as David Christopher Cotton — was shot dead during a gun battle with police while fleeing the scene of another bank robbery. This time he was dressed as a leprechaun.
Frosty the Snowman Stabbed. In a bizarre incident in Cincinnati in 2006, a couple of teenagers were arrested for stabbing a 12-foot-tall inflatable Frosty the Snowman with a screwdriver. The Hamilton County Sheriff’s office said the two youths, both 18 years old, were charged with criminal damaging. Police were aided by the fact that the assault on Frosty was caught on tape. Homeowner Matt Williquette had set up a motion-sensitive video camera in a tree in his yard because his snowman had fallen victim to two earlier attacks. Williquette used white masking tape to patch up Frosty’s previous wounds. For the third attack, Williquette made sure he had a camera all set to record the violence. “The question I have is, “Why me? And why Frosty?” Williquette asked. “I had more decorations to put out there, but with Frosty going down, I wasn’t going to chance it.” Police said they arrested one suspect at his Colerain Township home, and then the second suspect turned himself in. At one point, the sheriff’s office put out a terse statement saying: “The investigation continues to snowball.”
Christmas Parade DUI (1). No doubt the annual Christmas parade can be quite intoxicating. But no one expects parade float drivers to be roaring drunk. In 2006, at the Anderson Christmas Parade in Columbia, South Carolina, when one driver sped recklessly past another float and raced towards Main Street, police knew something was wrong. When officers caught up to 42-year-old David Allen Rodgers, he had an open container of alcohol in the truck he was using to haul a local dance studio float with several children and adults on board. Witnesses said Rodgers was driving in line in Sunday’s parade when he pulled out to pass a tractor, then ran a red light. Meanwhile, one of Rodgers’s alarmed passengers called 911 on a cell phone. Rodgers, whose own child was on the float, was charged with more than three dozen offenses, including DUI, kidnapping and assaulting an officer.
Christmas Shopping Light Saber Assault. In 2011, police in Portland, Oregon arrested a man for assaulting three shoppers with a blue light saber at a Hayden Island Toys R Us store. The 911 caller who reported the incident said the man was inside the store, swinging the “Star Wars” weapon of choice at some other customers. While the caller was on the phone, the man left the store, light saber in hand, and walked out to the parking lot. When officers arrived and tried to take him into custody, he kept swinging the light saber at them. One officer tried to use his Taser on the suspect, but the device didn’t work. “May the force be with you,” as they say. Another officer tried his Taser and made contact, but the “Jedi warrior” knocked one of the wires away with his light saber. The cops were finally able to subdue the man and pin him to the ground. The suspect, identified only as a 33-year-old Hillsboro man, was treated by medics at the scene and then taken to a nearby hospital for a mental evaluation, before being charged with several crimes by Lieutenant D. Vader. None of the victims of the light saber assault required medical attention.
Christmas Parade DUI (2). In 2011, a drunk driver in Mondovi, Wisconsin ploughed into the local Small Town Christmas parade. According to the Buffalo County Sheriff’s Department, the man fled after crashing his Dodge Neon into a float carrying several small children. Gary Jenson, 52, was stopped about a block away by a witness who detained him until deputies arrived. Police discovered that Jenson was a repeat offender. He was arrested and referred to the district attorney for charges of seventh offense DUI and hit-and-run. No one was injured in the crash, according to the sheriff’s department. Court records indicated that Jenson was convicted of his fifth DUI in 2002, and his sixth in 2007. In the last case he was sentenced to three months in jail, and three years on probation. My guess is that Mr. Jensen just might have a drinking problem.
The Case of the Cannabis Christmas Tree. In 2011, police in Aylesham, England (near Canterbury) discovered a Christmas tree fashioned out of a large marijuana plant. The cops were searching Ian Richards’s house because of the “hydroponic pot factory” in his bedroom. When they discovered the cannabis Christmas tree — decorated with red and green baubles — the raid took on an especially festive air. Nonetheless, they hauled Richards off to jail. In Canterbury Crown Court, Richards claimed that the plants were strictly for his own personal use. The Scrooge-like Court, however, decided his growing operation had the potential to produce a large quantity of cannabis, and handed him an 18 month sentence. Investigating officer PC Darren Dennett said: “By using a five-foot tall cannabis plant as a Christmas tree, Richards showed a total disregard for the law.” Bah humbug.
Purse-Snatching Grinch Apprehended. Recently a robber nearly turned into the worst kind of Grinch when he stole a 64-year old woman’s purse containing all of her Christmas spending money. The incident occurred on December 5, 2013 in Groves, Texas, when Roland and Marilyn Gautreaux pulled into a Super Stop to put some gas in their car. A man sped up in a black truck, approached the Gautreaux’s car, and reached inside to grab Marilyn’s purse. She called for her husband, who took off in hot pursuit of the thief. Roland Gautreaux wasn’t about to let the guy get away with the Christmas money. And the thief should have known better than to mess with a ragin’ Cajun. “I went and I attacked the man you know,” Roland said. “And then had some other men come help me.” The suspect eventually dropped the purse and ran away. What the couple had no way of knowing at the time was the purse-snatcher’s black truck had been stolen earlier that morning from a nearby Port Arthur business. The suspect, later identified as Armando Reyes Silva-Chavira, managed to hide out for a while in a local neighborhood, but Groves police officers soon arrested him for robbery. The stolen truck was returned to its owner, and the Gautreaux are looking forward to celebrating the holiday with their 15 grandchildren.
Bad Santa Arrested for Groping Elf. On November 25, 2013, a 62-year-old man who worked playing Santa Claus at the Hanover Mall in Massachusetts was charged with groping an 18-year-old woman who worked alongside him as his Elf. Herbert Jones, who needs no fake facial hair because he has a real-life bushy white Santa beard, was released on $1,000 bail and ordered to stay away from the mall after he pled not guilty to indecent assault and battery. Jones denied pinching the young woman’s buttocks and making suggestive comments while the two were working at a Santa Claus photo booth in the mall. Later, Jones was seen flipping off reporters as he drove off in his car. This bad Santa is most likely in for some serious workplace harassment and sensitivity training.
The Intoxicated Grinch of Toronto. In 2012, the annual Santa Claus parade in Kingston, Ontario was badly shaken by a man who marched around telling all the young children in attendance that Santa Claus is not real. According to the Toronto Star, the 24-year-old man — who was not publicly named — was arrested for disruptive behavior, and was also charged with public intoxication and a probation violation. Reports indicated that the man’s misguided foray into Dadaism included having his hair slicked back with gel into the shape of devil horns. This disturbed quite a few parade-goers. The man in question was roaming up and down Princess Street loudly proclaiming to kids that Santa was a fraud. Police hauled the drunk Grinch off to jail, where he attended a bail hearing the following day and was released on the condition that he abstain from alcohol. God only knows what he is up to, one year later.
The Dastardly Raid on Christmas Tree Lane. In Alameda, California, there is one section of town where homeowners, for the past 60 years, have decorated the neighborhood with thousands of lights and various holiday displays. In the evening hours, visitors stroll the boulevard — known as “Christmas Tree Lane” — to take in the seasonal spectacle. In December 2010, the whole community was shocked when thieves and vandals mounted a raid on Christmas Tree Lane late one Friday night. The scoundrels made off with dozens of items from four different homes. Then they returned the very next night for more pillaging. “On one hand, you have to think, ‘How can people do this?’ ” said Gayle Winterbauer, who each year puts out a display of flamingos pulling a sleigh outside her home on Thompson Avenue. “On the other hand, it also might make people appreciate Christmas Tree Lane more.” While the thieves left her flamingos and sleigh behind, they absconded with 120 feet of fence lights from outside her home. Ms. Winterbauer said, “They even stole the poles that we were using to help hang the lights.” Along with the thefts on Christmas Tree Lane, thieves also stole approximately 25 candy canes from a residence on nearby Clinton Avenue. “It’s very disappointing,” said Stephanie Lee, who lives in the vandalized house. “We put up the candy canes for 20 years, and we never had any problems. It’s sad to think they are gone now.”