commentary by Patrick H. Moore
There’s just something about ferrets – not to diss on them too heavily, but I clearly remember the first time I was introduced to them. My sainted ex and I were having dinner with Big Rick and his wife (now also his ex). Big Rick was a Silicon Valley tech genius. He had his house wired up for light, sound and even smells. The smell detector was quite an innovation at the time; it was close to 25 years ago.
In any event, Big Rick (not Rick Stack the lawyer who is the current Big Rick in my life), very proudly let his ferrets out of their cage and chortled merrily as they side-winded their way from one end of the parquet-floored living room to the other.
“Aren’t they lovely,” cooed Big Rick. He thought he was way cool because he was A FERRET KEEPER. Personally, I didn’t think they were so damned cool but I stifled my true response because I didn’t want to offend our 6’11” host. There was just something about the way they didn’t move in a straight line that creeped me out. Fortunately, I have never had ferret nightmares. Now, however, based on some nasty ferret news that comes to us out of that hotbed of crime, Darby, PA, I just may. Why? Simple. The AP writes:
Authorities near Philadelphia say a trio of pet ferrets mauled a newborn who was left downstairs in her car seat, chewing off the baby’s nose and part of her cheek and lip.
Officials say the month-old baby was attacked Thursday afternoon by ferrets that escaped from a cloth cage while the girl’s mother went upstairs and her father was sleeping. Authorities say the baby was in stable condition in intensive care Friday after emergency reconstructive surgery at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.
Based on the understandable concern that our apparently feckless ferret keepers may not win any parenting awards, their four other young children have been placed temporarily with relatives.
“The parents, I believe, have problems,” Darby Borough Police Chief Robert Smythe told the Delaware County Daily Times. “They are challenged. They can’t take care of these kids.”
Chief Smythe explained that having fed heartily on baby nose and cheek, the “ferrets scampered away when the mother came downstairs after hearing the baby’s screams.”
Given my instinctive bias against ferrets, I am not a good judge of ferret character. The American Ferret Association (AFA) assures us, however, that “a healthy, a well-trained ferret shouldn’t bite.” Just like faithful Fido needs to be properly trained so that he doesn’t eat tasty children, ferrets reportedly must also be taught socially acceptable behaviors like any other pet. The AFA explains that ferrets and kids can peacefully exist and even “play well together” but that it’s not good form to leave small children (a one-month-old baby would fall into this category) alone with them (or any other pet, for that matter).
What is real cause for concern is that according to Chief Smythe, “investigators found more food for the family’s ferrets and cats than for the children.” The police have reportedly recommended that prosecutors “approve charges against the parents.”
“Just imagine that 1-month-old baby, that can’t help herself, (and) two or three animals are eating it alive,” said Chief Smythe. “Imagine the pain.”
I guess it’s fortunate that the original Big Rick, who was an inveterate lover of ferrets, didn’t have children. He was of a scientific and slightly perverse bent; I can easily imagine him putting a child a cage with his beloved ferrets and observing the results with the gimlet-eyed interest of a true Man of Science.