by Patrick H. Moore
I know, Brother. I know sometimes it can get a little weird. I know the strange desires can come creeping in on little cat feet. I know. Many of us have had strange desires. And many of us know what the drugs can do to you — especially if you’ve been taking them for a while. And the truth is, many of us guys need to get in touch with our inner woman. For example, I have a dear friend who gets in touch with his inner woman by standing in front of a hot iron daintily ironing his lace doilies. Capturing his inner woman from a man’s perspective. So what’s wrong with that? Nothing. In fact, it’s healthy, isn’t it? You just went about it in a slightly weird way.
Any hey, didn’t Hilary Clinton say that it takes a village? Of course she did. And it does. But anytime you have a village you’re going to have a few villagers who don’t fit the norm. You might even have a villager who feels the need to step out high as a loon and bright as day wearing nothing but a turban, cherry red high heels and a mismatched pair of pink panties clutched tightly in a nervous hand — to be worn only if absolutely necessary.
“So where is the crime might I ask? There must be a crime or I would not be featured in a crime blog.”
Yes, my Brother. Unfortunately, there is a crime. There is a societal norm that has resulted in a law which is rigorously enforced in the great state of Georgia called “indecent exposure.” But that is not the serious crime. The serious crime — especially in the “lock ‘em up Peach State” has to do with the cocaine and the marijuana. Dude, you should eschew the cocaine! Jesus!
But you may not want to listen to me. You may say it’s too late for that. ‘Cause you are cooling your your heels sans high heels in Richmond County stir. Might be just as well considering your neighbors. I hope you can come up with the $12, 640 they’ve set your bail at.
They say “never on a Sunday” but you beg to differ. Let us follow your tale as told by David Moye of the Huffington Post. Although I can’t speak for him, I’m pretty sure he’s sympathetic to your cause.
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A Georgia man was arrested for indecent exposure after he was caught running around in nothing but a turban and high heels.
Deputies in Richmond County, Ga., confronted Jermaine Lloyd, 28, Sunday morning. He was hiding behind a tree. At the time, he was trying to put on a pair of pink women’s panties.
It was early in the morning and the police were on to you because someone had reported a naked man running in the neighborhood. They cornered you and a Richmond County sheriff’s Deputy pulled out his Taser and told you to get on the ground. Then they say you ran “in a threatening manner” toward another deputy who hit you below the knee with a baton. After they cuffed you, you tried to escape again forcing them to use the leg shackles.
Moye explains that during your failed escape attempt, you dropped a purple Crown Royal bag that contained cocaine and marijuana. According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, in addition to wearing the high heels and the turban, you were carrying a pair of sweatpants. It’s really a shame you got caught especially with the coke and weed.
I would have thought you might have learned from your last scrape which, after all, was only a week ago. That was the time you were drunk and bounced your ride up over a curb at a shopping center and split when the law tried to arrest you on a DUI. I’m sure your heart was pounding as raced away leaving a bemused lawman standing by your car. You were dressed that time which was probably a good thing. They didn’t pursue you and they didn’t try to gun you down.
But the joke was really still on you. While they were preparing to tow your vehicle they gave it the old once over and found — you guessed it — weed and cocaine.
Now they’ve got you by the _____.
You’re being charged with public indecency, two counts of obstruction of a law enforcement officer, possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, possession of cocaine, two counts of possession of marijuana, driving under the influence, and failure to maintain your lane.
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That’s a lot of charges for some fairly minor crimes. And one charge is serious — the “possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.” The could be five years in the Big House. Of course every Big House — I’ve been told — has a population of guys trying yo get in touch with their inner woman. So you could fit in just fine. But still, five years is a helluva long stretch. And they may just want to screw you like they screw the minorities in California. Make you plead to felony possession with intent to distribute and find a way to give you probation. That way you’re stuck with a strike. Then if you ever get popped again, Katrina bar the door. And you’re obviously not a real coke dealer. No real coke dealer runs around in a turban and cherry red high heels clutching a mismatched pair of pink panties. The words are delicious as they roll off my keyboard. Say ‘em again. Mismatched pair of pink panties.
Your only hope, I would say, is that your judge has a sense of humor and recognizes that “it takes a village” and that every village has its fringe guys who need to get in touch with their inner woman by stepping out high as a loon and bright as day wearing nothing but a turban, cherry red high heels and a mismatched pair of pink panties clutched in a nervous hand — to be worn only if absolutely necessary.