by Patrick H. Moore
Black Friday is upon us and by the time you read this, I will either be a victim of mayhem or, alternatively, in a state of unsurpassed bliss. I am part of a vast throng descending upon our local Best Buy somewhere in suburban Los Angeles County eager to snap up the Black Friday bargains. This is a first for me. Before today, I had never even considered joining the aggressive, often violent mob of Americans who are willing to do whatever it takes to snap up bargains on this momentous day. When I got to the Best Buy shortly before 4:00 am, the line was already three deep and there were approximately 100 people in front of me. I am heavily armed carrying my Glock 6 (loaded) in a shoulder holster. I have a brace of Mossberg drop-blade hunting knives strapped to both calves.
I was not always in this strange position. In fact, it would have been unthinkable a mere 2 or 3 years ago. Let me explain what happened. During the years prior to starting All Things Crime Blog, I became deeply involved in the gentle art of meditation. I had a genuine Apache shaman who schooled me in the ancient science. A profound man (and totally without criminal tendencies), he was thrilled when – with my usual iron discipline – I was soon meditating one to two hours a day, getting in touch not with my inner woman (that still lies off in the future) but rather with my long suppressed spiritual side.
In the end, however, the joke was on me. You see, if you meditate long enough, you might just experience drum roll and celestial trumpets Kundalini Rising. The Kundalini is the serpent of antiquity, the Life Force the mystics talk about, that coils at the base of the spine. Liberated, it can be both blissful and devastating.
Pretty soon instead of just meditating, I was experiencing Kundalini Rising for an hour or two a day. I’d snap right into it like a man possessed — and maybe I was a man possessed. You feel the life force gathering, saluting, rising up your spine through your chakras and you feel chosen, blessed, enigmatic and altogether glorious, at least I did. The surprising thing about it is, however — although it certainly has a spiritual component — is its curiously physical nature. You feel it, baby, oh boy do you feel it.
But all good things must come to an end. One day shed a tear All Things Crime Blog will come to an end. But not yet. We have not yet reached that sad and mournful day.
After about nine months of experiencing Kundalini Rising one or two hours a day, four or five days a week, I got sick. It was just too damned strong and my old husk of a body, worn out from many decades of good old-fashioned, balls-to-the-wall hard living, overdosed on the life force. I had to stop and I did.
Right about then the notion of the All Things Crime Blog came along. A gentleman named Michael D. Sellers explained how to go about it, BJW Nashe came on board, and the next thing we knew we were sailing the murky waters of true crime. It was all good, as they say, and here we are.
Although I stopped meditating, Kundalini Rising did not vanish entirely. In fact, once you’ve experienced the life force it will always be with you. All I have to do is still sit, relax, forget about crime for a minute (no easy task), take a quiet breath, and there it is, that familiar serpent gathering down there and beginning to rise.
If you think all this sounds just a tad sexual, you’re right, or rather although the Kundalini per se is not sexual, an enhanced sexuality comes along for the ride as a sort of side effect. To put it bluntly, post-meditation, I am about 300 per cent hornier than I used to be. Given my age – I’m 97 – this is just a bit inconvenient. My partner does her best but considering that benevolent soul will be 95 on Memorial Day, it’s expecting way too much to expect her to deal with a 97- year-old guy with the sex drive of a healthy 22-year-old male in the prime of life. Do I exaggerate? Well, perhaps just a little. Where is A_____ K___ when I need her? Hell, I’d settle for a good looking sheep but none seem to live in my neighborhood.
Fortunately there is a solution, a solution so perfect that I salute good old-fashioned American ingenuity. The Max Male Corporation had developed a handy and allegedly extremely effective device which they have named the Auto Suck. It comes equipped with lifetime batteries and suction pods that you can attach to any flat surface. The part of it that does the dirty deed is rumored to feel much like a velvet vise. Fortuitously, it is on sale on Black Friday, November 29, 2013 at my neighborhood Best Buy.
But why, you might ask, do I feel the need to be heavily armed as I stand in line waiting for the Best Buy to open its doors? Do I not trust the good sense of my fellow Southern Californians? Well, normally I do. But this is not a normal situation. Recent history bears this out:
On Black Friday in 2008, at a Long Island Wal-Mart, a crowd of over 2,000 people broke down the doors five minutes before it was scheduled to open after chanting for some time, “Push the doors in.”
The employees are rumored to have made a human chain to slow down the crowds but it didn’t work. A 34-year-old temporary employee was trampled.
As other Wal-Mart employees tried to help the man, the crowd knocked them over as well all the while pummeling the downed man to death. When police and paramedics arrived, people kept shoving past them. Their excuse? They had been in line since the wee hours.
The trampled man was not the only casualty in that particular war zone. An 8-months-pregnant woman reportedly waiting to buy baby stuff for her soon to be born child was knocked around, buffeted, crunched and generally abused – abused so badly that she miscarried – by the same group of people that broke down the doors.
As I stand in line waiting at Best Buy, my Glock secure in its shoulder holster, I’m hoping that I’m the only guy in line packing heat. But there’s absolutely no guarantee of that. On the same day as the Wal-mart trampling and forced abortion, in Palm Desert, CA, 3,000 miles away, two women got into a fight at a Toys R Us. No one knows why, but witnesses report it was a bloody brawl — bloody enough to incite their male companions to pull out their guns.
All hell broke loose. The crowd ran out screaming from the store while the two shooters squared off. They exchanged multiple shots, some of which hit their target leading to their deaths. To make it worse, the mothers had brought their children with them which means the little people witnessed their fathers dying in a gun battle at Toys R Us.
On Black Friday in 2005, after waiting in line for hours at a Florida BrandSmart store, the mob mentality kicked into high gear as at least 100 Floridians tried to push their way into the store at the same time. There was no mercy shown, especially towards senior citizens. A 73-year-old woman was knocked down and trampled repeatedly and there was nothing her poor daughter could do to help.
Also in 2005, in Grand Rapids, Michigan, maniacal shoppers trampled and scuffled and pushed and knocked people down including a pregnant woman. No one tried to help her and she was eventually escorted to the hospital by ambulance.
But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the pregnant woman’s wig was knocked off her head and although she desperately tried to grab it back, it was lost forever.
Black Friday 2006 – Del Amo Shopping Center, Torrance, CA
An elderly woman was injured and required hospitalization after management dropped 2,000 colored balloons and everyone tried to grab them at once.
Wal-Mart – Tallahassee, FL, Black Friday, Year Unknown
Two people were shot and wounded after a confrontation over a parking spot near a Tallahassee, FL Wal-Mart. The man and woman stumbled over to the store’s garden center where they were discovered. Hospitalization was required to treat their wounds.
Wal-Mart — Thanksgiving Day, 2011, Porter Ranch, CA
Wal-Mart security personnelpepper sprayed the crowd surrounding an Xbox game display. Approximately 20 people were hit in the face and treated at the scene. Fortunately, none of the pepper spray attack victims required hospitalization.
Last but Not Least
In 2011, 61-year-old Walter Vance collapsed while shopping for Black Friday deals at a West Virginia Target store and went unnoticed by patrons of the store who walked around the fallen man, choosing instead to keep their eyes on the prize (a $4.97 copy of Jack and Jill on Blu-Ray). When shoppers finally ceased stepping over the man to continue their shopping, several nurses came to his aid, but he died later at the hospital.
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So you needn’t be a rocket scientist to figure out why I’m playing it safe standing in line heavily armed somewhere in Los Angeles County waiting to get into the Best Buy. It may be my imagination but I swear I’ve overheard at least three other guys talking dreamily about the Auto Suck. With technology comes increased opportunity which, unfortunately, steps up the risk factor. But I’m fearless and determined and willing to risk it all to purchase my auto-erotic device. After all, I’m 97 years old and probably don’t have that long to live anyway. I might as well go out in style.
Click on this link to view videos depicting the events depicted above: