commentary by Patrick H. Moore
Heterosexual men and women in the United States appear to have this strange obsession with anal sex. It may be that we are so jaundiced from overdosing on pornography for so long that we find old-fashioned sexual intercourse about as exciting as Wonder Bread.
But perhaps I’m puritanical or even gasp a prude. And as we all know there’s nothing more uncool in this nervous land of sexually letting it all hang out than to be a prude. Even the right-wing moral majority types are probably not prudes — at least if their clandestine sexual activities are any indication.
But no one cares if I am a bit nonplussed over this bizarre national obsession. And I guess it is understandable if viewed in a certain light. After all, we are a country that has veered off dangerously into the kinked-out terrain of bestiality. In comparison, a little basic anal intercourse between consenting hetero adults seems almost conservative.
Now that I’ve thoroughly confused myself, let me explain where I’m going with this. The Huff Post reports – uncorking some great lines in the process – that a certain Vickie Lynn Morgan, 38, after getting naked and engaging in anal sex with a married man while smoking pot, drinking liquor, and listening to Judas Priest (they weren’t really listening to Judas Priest; I just threw that in for the hell of it), reacted violently when busted in flagrante delicto by her lover’s wife, an 49-year-old woman named Pamela Turney.
The Huff Post reports, prefacing their remarks with the following wry introductory line:
Looks like someone was a little butt-hurt.
Vickie Lynn Morgan, 38, is accused of attacking her lover’s wife after the woman walked in on the adulterous couple having anal sex.
In describing her adventures to Spartanburg, SC sheriff’s deputies, Pissed Off and Pummeled Pamela Lynn explained that she had gone looking for her estranged husband, Christopher, at his parents’ home in Spartanburg on Sunday night. Cocky Christopher didn’t seem to be holding forth in the living room or the kitchen or the family room or any of the other rooms where people generally hang out when they are not in a bedroom.
At this point, Pamela Lynn probably should have made like Elvis and left the building. After all, it wasn’t her house and since she and her husband were estranged, it’s a bit forward of her to be trying to track him down at her in-laws house. But you know what they say about curiosity… Pamela had to keep looking and she eventually made her way into a bedroom, where she says she found her husband and Morgan “naked, smoking pot, drinking liquor and having anal sex.”
Although we might expect Pamela to have reacted with consternation and perhaps even anger to this affront to the eyes ears and nostril, something much more surprising happened. The Huff Post writes:
When the alleged multi-taskers saw her, Pamela Turney said that Morgan jumped up and attacked her, knocking her to the ground three times.
Pamela contacted her daughter, who called emergency services to the scene. Deputies noted that Pamela had a black eye, as well as forehead and cheek bruises. According to the report, the incident is still under investigation.
This is apparently not the first time Vickie Lynn has resorted to inappropriate violence. In fact, according to police records, she was arrested last February for assault and battery.
Moralists and ethicists sometimes like to use the phrase “the measure of a man (or woman)” in judging the rectitude with which one comports oneself in stressful moments. Here, it could be argued that Cocky Christopher surely should have restrained Vickie Lynn, at least after she’d knocked Pamela down the first time. But he apparently did not.
In ruminating over this issue, the Huff Post frankly admits that they have no idea how Cocky Christopher reacted to the peculiar sight of his anally-involved and stoned lover punching out his estranged wife. Huff Post does opine, however, that they hope he managed to display a bit more dignity than the boyfriend of Georgia woman Tammi Jo Pirkle last August. Cops say that in August, when Pirkle found another woman “straddling” her boyfriend, the man “jumped on the floor and hid under the bed,” staying there while Pirkle allegedly stabbed the other woman.
Bummer. The boyfriend should perhaps have taken the blade himself rather than hiding under the bed.
Of course, there are far more creative ways to deal with such effrontery. For example, in January, when a Florida woman discovered her husband in bed with another woman, she allegedly responded by pooping on the floor and going on an armed rampage through the house.
But that’s Florida for you. Here in California, where creativity reigns, there is the proper way to handle such a situation. Rather than going berserk and getting yourself arrested, you clear your throat cool as a cucumber and say, “Ahem. Would you guys mind taking a break for a minute? I think we all need to sit down over a latte and discuss this.” Then if they don’t stop but rather just keep pumping away, you fling yourself on them like a wild beast and try to gouge their eyes out.
Sure, you’ll still end up getting arrested but at least you will have succeeded in bringing latte into the discourse which, as we all know, is de riguer in the Golden State.