by BJW Nashe
Plenty of weird crime in the news lately — but never too weird for us here at All Things Crime Blog. Here are a handful of recent stories — ranging from sad to funny to just plain ridiculous — that are sure to both amuse and disturb you. Violence and some nudity is involved.
Butt-Dialed Murder in Florida
Inadvertently placing a call while your cell phone sits in your back pocket, nudged against your rear end, can be embarrassing for any number of reasons. “Butt-dialing” 911 and then chattering about your plan to commit murder, however, takes shame to a whole new level. Scott Simon of Florida knows all about this. His accidental butt-dialing has landed him in jail. According to a story at Newser.com, on May 5, Simon was “frothing with rage” over a late-night dispute at a Waffle House when his rear end dialed 911. On the resulting recording, according to the Miami Herald, Simon is heard saying that he intends to follow the man he was arguing with to his house and shoot him.
That man, Nicholas Walker, was in fact shot and killed just minutes after the call. Scott Simon was arrested on May 21. Even though police don’t think he actually killed Walker, he’s been charged with first-degree murder because police believe he orchestrated the hit. A police spokesman has remarked, “Criminals say crazy things all the time, but I’ve never seen anyone call a recorded line.” In the world of crime, “booty-calls” are more than welcome. Butt-dialing can be a real problem, though.
Streaking Shoplifter of Takapuna, New Zealand
When preparing to go shoplifting, the question inevitably arises: “Should I wear underwear, or not?” For a female thief in Takapuna — a lovely coastal town in central New Zealand — the answer to this question was a resounding “no.”
The May 23 story at Stuff.co.nz reports that passers-by were “astonished” at the sight of a shoplifter’s pants falling down as she was chased down the street by a sales clerk, leaving no doubt whatsoever that she had indeed gone “commando.”
The store where this bizarre incident occurred is appropriately named The Last Place in Takapuna. Kristie Asplin, an employee at The Last Place, managed to catch the woman after a heroic 100 metre chase along Hurstmere Road.
The alleged shoplifter had been seen visiting the store (fully clothed) a number of times prior to the now infamous commando foot-race incident. Asplin explained that when she saw the woman grab a $500 handbag and attempt to flee, she took off in hot pursuit. With help from bystanders — presumably enjoying an eyeful on the busy shopping strip — Asplin managed to catch the half-naked thief and retrieve the stolen bag. Shortly afterwards, police arrived to arrest the culprit.
“Everyone was laughing at her because her pants had fallen down and she wasn’t wearing any knickers,” Asplin said. “I was a bit worried because she had a bottle of bourbon in her hand and I thought she might try to swing it at me. But I think the adrenaline just kicked in.”
Despite the adrenaline rush, police and bystanders managed to keep their underwear intact throughout the incident. Still, this remains a compelling story involving bourbon, nudity, and shoplifting by the seaside. No wonder New Zealand is such a popular tourist destination.
Strip Club Shootings
Henry Pettigrew, the intoxicated gunman who opened fire and wounded a man outside of a strip club after the DJ refused to play his requests, is still on the loose in Philadelphia. His crime, however, is far from an isolated incident. Apparently even strip clubs — those pleasure palaces, those temples of love — are no longer safe from the plague of violent crime. What’s the world coming to? Will this madness never end?
- In breaking news, two U.S. Embassy officials in Venezuela have been involved in a shooting and brawl at a strip club in Caracas where women dance in cages. According to the Washington Post, “The circumstances of the shooting were unclear, with conflicting reports over whether it happened inside or outside the Antonella 2012 nightclub.” Evidently some sort of fight broke out, resulting in shots being fired. One of the American Embassy officials was shot in the leg and abdomen, and the other was shot in the abdomen. Neither man’s injuries are considered life-threatening. The strip club, on the other hand, remains quite dangerous.
- Police are currently investigating an apparent drive-by shooting in front of an Evansville, Indiana strip club. Officers say someone in an SUV fired several shots at the doorway of the Lucky Lady Lounge at 2:30 A.M. Sunday morning. An employee of the Lounge was shot in the arm as he was trying to lock the door to the club. The victim, who was treated at the hospital for his wound, told police that the occupants of the SUV had been in the Lucky Lady earlier that night, and had been in a dispute with another group of men inside.
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Last month, tragedy struck at a strip club in Rialto, California, not more than an hour’s drive from where Patrick H. Moore of All Things Crime Blog resides. Apparently, a man who had been spending substantial time and money at the Spearmint Rhino Club demanded that one of his favorite performers leave with him. When she refused, he shot her in the face. Then he fatally turned the gun on himself, and was pronounced dead at the scene. The woman was rushed to a local hospital and is expected to survive.
- Early on the morning of May 8, police responded to reports of a shooting outside a Northeast Portland strip club called Club Skinn. Anton Lashawn Hill, 33, was pronounced dead at the scene. An unidentified 21 year-old female was taken to the hospital and treated for a non-life threatening gunshot wound. Witnesses stated that a dispute inside the club had escalated outside, leading to shots being fired. Last Friday, Bradley Carl O’Rourke, 30, turned himself in to police, and was booked into the Multnomah County Jail on charges of murder, attempted murder and assault in the first degree.
- In Tucson, what began as an altercation at a strip club near the airport turned into a violent episode that left one man with life-threatening gunshot wounds. Shortly before 2 a.m. on March 29, police responded to reports of a shooting at the parking lot of Club Turbulence. The suspects fled the scene of the crime. No arrests were made.
- Two earlier incidents at another strip club in Tucson occurred in late December last year. First, four men were shot when gunfire erupted in the parking lot of Ten’s Showclub on East Speedway. One of these four men subsequently died. Then, a week later, another man was shot and seriously wounded during an argument in the same parking lot. Club owners might consider simply renaming the place “O.K. Corral.”
Baboon Burglars of South Africa
As reported on May 21 by Metro News, last month a posse of baboons was filmed running amok inside a property in the tourist town of Betty’s Bay in South Africa. The animals were seen climbing through an open window and then ransacking the home for food. A man named Howard James Fyvie filmed the primates carrying out the break-in. The audacious beasts were seen tearing through kitchen cupboards and drawers, climbing across furniture, and generally trashing the place.
Fyvie and some friends eventually found a ladder and climbed into the house to drive the baboon burglars out. The leader of the pack was in no hurry to vacate the premises. Authorities might be wondering whether the baboons were under the influence of crack, or some other controlled substance.
Fyvie’s clip of the incident has racked up several hundred thousand hits on YouTube. South Africans are being urged to take appropriate security precautions. Fortunately, many of them (South African people, not baboons) are heavily armed. The baboon crime posse remains at large. Oscar Pistorius is not available to comment.
“American Idol” Stabbing in Pennsylvania
According to a May 23 report at azcentral.com , a Pennsylvania couple are facing criminal charges after reportedly stabbing each other during an argument over which contestant should win ‘American Idol.’
York County police state that 48-year-old Karen Elaine Harrelson and 57-year-old Gregory Stambaugh got into a drunken dispute while watching the hit TV show at Stambaugh’s West Manchester Township home on May 15.
One of them wanted contestant Candice Glover to win, while the other was pulling for Kree Harrison. It is unclear who was rooting for who. It is also unclear who instigated the violence. Apparently one of them grew so upset that he/she decided to head for the kitchen, grab a knife, and raced back to stab the other. The person stabbed first then grabbed the knife and stabbed the other. Investigators say each told police that the other one stabbed first.
Both are being held in York County Prison on assault charges. Nobody remembers or even cares anymore who won the “Idol” competition. Paula Abdul is not available to comment. Those of us who think Super Bowl Sunday is dangerous are shaking our heads. Shows such as “American Idol” clearly bring out the worst in people.
Shoplifter Blames Bloody Theft on Dead Grandmother
A man on trial in England recently testified to the Newcastle crown court that he had stolen beef from a grocery store because it reminded him of his dead grandmother. Fifty-one year-old John Casey was caught on CCTV shoving a beef joint into his rucksack while shopping at an Asda outlet.
According to a May 23 Metro News report, Casey — an unemployed father of eight — said the bloody, packaged meat had triggered a “flashback” of his grandmother, who died of a blood clot when he was a child.
Casey admitted to concealing the meat, but denied the theft charge. He claimed hiding the beef out of sight was necessary to control the Grandma flashbacks. Casey was convicted after a two-day trial, but managed to avoid jail time when the court handed him a two-year conditional discharge. The judge, who was peeved at the trial’s cost of approximately £20,000, scolded the defendant:
- “If you come in front of me again I will be a lot less sympathetic. You have caused a huge amount of unnecessary expense to be incurred by electing trial and you have got no means from which you can cover the costs of this expensive trial.”
Perhaps, Your Honor, this case is just another example of how austerity policies aren’t working too well in England. Perhaps the man was only trying to feed his family of eight. One could easily imagine Casey standing up in court to sing a tune from Les Miserables, drawing an obvious parallel with Jean Valjean. Perhaps it’s just as well that stuck with the dead Grandma flashback story.