by BJW Nashe
My fellow Americans, by now you have all heard of me, Carlos Danger, your new and improved candidate for Mayor of New York City. I am the online sex-chat alter-ego of former Congressman and current pathetic New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner. Since Anthony Weiner has shown himself to be incapable of adequately addressing voters’ concerns in regard to the whole “sexting” scandal that threatens to derail his candidacy, I now feel the need to step forward and take charge.
Let me be perfectly clear. I, Carlos Danger, am now in total control of the situation. I am taking over the reins here. Anthony Weiner is no longer calling the shots. No more sniveling, apologetic press conferences. No more contrite People Magazine profiles. No more humble talk of recovery. Save that for Dr. Phil and Dr. Drew, and all the rest of those hacks. And don’t even talk to me about sex addiction. What a travesty. Carlos Danger is all about romance, sex, action, and adventure. Carlos Danger is about so much more than just politics.
And yet who can dispute the fact we are all, as Aristotle so astutely observed, “political animals.”
So today, as a political animal par excellence, I have a very important message for you all: SEXTING IS NOT A CRIME. Taking digital pictures of one’s genitals and zapping them around the internet is not illegal in any way. Neither is sex-chat or exchanging racy text messages. These are completely valid forms of personal expression. And they are none of your business, unless you are directly involved.
I don’t care what Anthony Weiner thinks anymore. I, Carlos Danger, have done nothing against the law, and I refuse to be treated like a criminal, and hounded and ridiculed by the simple-minded media whores who have turned our whole political landscape into a farce.
Again, let me be perfectly clear: For all of the hypocritical puritans and moralists out there, Carlos Danger has a simple message to deliver: SCREW YOU.
Who among us has not indulged in a bit of internet sex action now and then? Or if for some strange reason you haven’t, get over it. Have some fun! What are we supposed to be… church ladies? Celibate priests? Gimme a break. Carlos Danger is from freaking New York, for Christ’s sake. Here’s another picture of his penis. Stop bitching and go watch some porn. Carlos Danger has had enough of the phony outrage and righteous indignation polluting our airwaves.
Forget about Anthony Weiner as mayor of this great city. He’s finished. CARLOS DANGER IS THE ONE YOU NEED TO VOTE FOR. I remember when New York was famous around the world for its X-rated sleaze. Times Square was a dark wonderland of sex and vice. Then Giuliani came along and tried to turn the place into a neon-lit Disneyland (all the while carrying on his own adulterous affair). Freaking hypocrite. Bloomberg has been nearly as bad. Stop-and-frisk. Regulated soft drinks. It’s disgraceful. You can barely even find hookers out on the streets anymore. RoboCops prowl the internet to entrap citizens who are just looking for fun — who just want to get high, and get laid.
Carlos Danger will not stand for it anymore. Make no mistake: As mayor, Carlos Danger will not simply return New York City to its former glory. He will make the city better than ever — the undisputed sex capital of the world! Manhattan will be a new pornotopia! An urban fantasy island! As a symbol of freedom, Carlos 
Danger’s penis will be displayed on giant billboards around town, festooned with ribbons and lights and garlands. I’ve already arranged to have it displayed at the New York Stock Exchange. I mean, let’s face it, they’re all a bunch of greedy pricks anyway. This whole great city will be recast as a monument to our deepest and most prurient desires. People will be paid bonuses for having phone sex at work — especially on Wall Street. Prostitution will be legalized. Times Square will be turned into a giant brothel, and 30 Rockefeller Center will be converted into a sprawling pornography complex. Fox News will be run out of town. There will be no such thing as “sexual morality” or “indecent exposure” anymore. Anyone caught preaching about someone else’s sex life will be forced to wear a clown suit for a minimum of one year. Just think of it. The possibilities are endless.
In Florida recently, citizens rallied around the slogan, “We are all Trayvon Martin.” Now, in New York City, it’s time for us to adopt a similar battle cry: “WE ARE ALL CARLOS DANGER.”
People of New York, it’s time to take a stand. It’s time to vote for Carlos Danger.