by Geo Ack
This incredibly moving post is by an All Things Crime Blog reader. We thank the author, Geo Ack, for his permission for us to post this insightful meditation.
I always wondered why I never became a serial killer. Then I realized that even though I was subjected to all the abuses and isolations and fantasies, my fears were much stronger. I turned my anger inwards and took it out on myself rather than anyone else because my fear of reprisals from my abusers were stronger than my need to unleash my rage on someone/something else.
They had effectively turned me into a mouse, too afraid to show any type of emotion, forced to keep it all inside. Every time I acted out, usually in anger, I was punished in some sick, sad way. I was a loner, no friends. Just not an acceptable person. I was poor, so not dressed well, or even properly for the weather. I would often run and hide downtown in the small gaps between the buildings, where no one could get to me, even if they should happen to notice me. As time passed I learned I could be accepted, in a way, by using drugs and alcohol. The only way I could feel accepted by anyone was through sex. Rejection was terrifying. I was very lost.
I have stopped those harmful things and am beginning to grow up with the help of my psychiatrist. But, the idea that I really was close to becoming someone who took their rage out on others and could have become a serial rapist/killer is clear to me. I am really glad I did not. I am also very glad and proud that I did not pass these horrors on to my two kids. They got all the love and attention, GOOD attention they needed and have grown into very good people.
So, while I do have much more to say, I will just thank you very much for this article. It does explain some of the unseen nuances that can turn a person one way or another. Thank you………………Peace….Geo Ack
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It’s times like this that make all the hard work that goes into All Things Crime Blog particularly gratifying. We welcome any and all contributions by readers concerning their battles to overcome familial crime, abuse and mistreatment.