by BJW Nashe
Many of us are well aware of the impending zombie apocalypse. Who knew that it would begin in Temecula? Then again, so many of our apocalyptic scenarios seem to originate in California, and Southern California in particular. Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised.
News agencies today are reporting that in Riverside County a man has been arrested after stealing a big rig and colliding with several other vehicles on the 
highway. The man claimed he was being chased by zombies. Nobody was killed during this bizarre episode, which apparently caused a chain reaction crash on Interstate 15, but two people were seriously injured. The man arrested is identified as Jeremiah Clyde Hartline. According to the Temecula Patch, Hartline is being charged with assault with a deadly weapon, along with other felonies including auto theft, reckless driving, hit-and-run resulting in injury, driving without a license and multiple sentence-enhancing great bodily injury allegations. There’s been no further word on the zombies.
Is it any wonder that this is how the zombie war should start? Some strange incident occurs out on the highway, followed by the authorities willfully ignoring the true nature of the danger at hand, just to avoid widespread panic. Next thing you know, we are in an all-out fight for our lives. Who knows what would have happened if Hartline hadn’t engineered the whole freeway smash-up, in order to escape his undead pursuers? Or what if he did not in fact escape? What if he is now one of them? Our “Patient Zero.” Who knows what lies in store for the people of Temecula? The jail where Hartline is being held could rapidly turn into zombie central. All of California may soon be threatened.
For now, we are unable to ascertain whether these were flesh-eating zombies that chased Hartline, or if they were just trying to get their deteriorating hands on some of his crystal meth. Probably safe to assume both. And we don’t know if the zombies came from some secret biological warfare facility run by the government, or whether the horde was infected by some mysterious virus from outer space. Or something even worse. No accounts of UFO sightings or alien visitations have yet accompanied Hartline’s illegal highway escapades. Law enforcement, of course, is keeping a tight lid on the wider implications of the whole story. They are probably waiting for Homeland Security to step in and take over.
Here’s the official version (or cover-up) of Hartline’s arrest, as reported by the Temecula Patch:
According to the California Highway Patrol, Hartline, a transient, was picked up by a trucker — Daniel Martinez — in Tennessee en route to San Diego, where the long-haul driver picked up a load of strawberries.
At around 6 p.m. on Saturday, Martinez parked his 18-wheeler at the CHP’s commercial vehicle compliance station just off northbound I- 15, according to the CHP. While Martinez was outside his tractor-trailer, making adjustments, Hartline began to have visions of zombies coming after him, said CHP Officer Nathan Baer.
He told City News Service the defendant was ‘altered,’ possibly under the influence of a controlled substance, and slid behind the wheel of the truck, throwing it into gear and accelerating onto the freeway.
“Hartline thought that zombies were chasing him and clinging to the truck,” Baer said. “Hartline swerved the truck side to side to shake the zombies off.”
Less than two miles into the wild ride, near the exit to Temecula Parkway, the defendant sideswiped a Toyota Tacoma pickup, causing that vehicle to collide with a Toyota 4Runner pickup, which hit a Mercedes-Benz, according to Baer.
“The Tacoma overturned, while the Mercedes sedan and 4Runner spun into the center divider,” the officer said.
“The big rig veered to the left, out of control, striking a Ford Taurus and a Honda Accord before jackknifing and blocking all four traffic lanes, according to the CHP.
Baer said Hartline leapt from the semi and ran to a van that had stopped nearby, climbing inside and allegedly attempting to steal that vehicle, according to the CHP. The driver detained the young man until officers arrived, according to the CHP.
Hartline was treated for minor injuries at Rancho Springs Medical Center in Murrieta and transported to jail.
The occupants of the Tacoma — Kyle Schlosser of San Jacinto and Sarah Small of Hemet — were seriously injured in the crash and remain hospitalized, according to Baer.
He said the occupants of the other vehicles suffered minor to moderate injuries, for which they also received treatment.
The freeway was closed for three hours for the cleanup and investigation.
We don’t need to read too closely between the lines to understand the seriousness of the horror unfolding in Temecula. What were the results of the “investigation?” Was Hartline “infected,” or just scared out of his wits? How can we be sure he was only hallucinating? Why are precise details of the zombie attack being hushed up, or left unexplored?
This has the potential to make Max Brooks’s World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War seem like a quaint bedtime story (i.e., The Twilight Saga). And yet World War Z may give us some idea of what we may be in for. Here are some excerpts that the CHP and Temecula Police Department and Riverside County Sheriff’s Department might want to pay attention to:
“I found ‘Patient Zero’ behind the locked door of an abandoned apartment across town. . . . His wrists and feet were bound with plastic packing twine. Although he’d rubbed off the skin around his bonds, there was no blood. There was also no blood on his other wounds. . . . He was writhing like an animal; a gag muffled his growls. At first the villagers tried to hold me back. They warned me not to touch him, that he was ‘cursed.’ I shrugged them off and reached for my mask and gloves. The boy’s skin was . . . cold and gray . . . I could find neither his heartbeat nor his pulse.” —Dr. Kwang Jingshu, Greater Chongqing, United Federation of China
“Two hundred million zombies. Who can even visualize that type of number, let alone combat it? . . . For the first time in history, we faced an enemy that was actively waging total war. They had no limits of endurance. They would never negotiate, never surrender. They would fight until the very end because, unlike us, every single one of them, every second of every day, was devoted to consuming all life on Earth.” —General Travis D’Ambrosia, Supreme Allied Commander, Europe
If you live anywhere within a 100 mile radius of Temecula, there may be still time to prepare. But the clock is ticking. Start stockpiling weapons, ammunition, food, and first aid supplies. If you haven’t read the Zombie Survival Guide, I don’t know how to help you… What have you been doing? Reading mysteries? Or “teen paranormal romance?” You may be a lost cause, at this point. Here are ten quick tips for surviving a zombie attack, so you are not totally unprepared:
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs.
4. Blades don’t need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.
You will notice that stealing a big rig and causing a pileup on the highway is not listed here. This was strictly improvisation on the part of Mr. Hartline, who was clearly thrown into panic when faced with the zombie menace. His approach is by no means recommended for anyone. There’s no need to go crazy here; reason must be allowed to prevail.
In any case, we feel certain that everyone in Southern California should leave work immediately. Stay away from school. Avoid all institutions. Go home and barricade yourselves safely inside your homes, before it’s too late. Trust no one outside of your immediate circle of “survivors.” Keep your own counsel, and maintain a “bunker mentality” until further news filters out from Temecula. It’s going to be a long night.