by The Little B
I have seen so much condemnation, so much judgment and just downright ignorance, that I can’t NOT write about this.
I will probably get some backlash for this – please know that is perfectly fine with me. My opinions differ from others. That’s what makes us all individuals. We each have our own brain [though some seem to show evidence of lacking one; just sayin']. However, regardless of opinion, it is not okay to make fun of someone in front of or to their family or publicly bash them because they made the choice to take their own life! I do not condone suicide. Let me make that statement before I go any further. I will also tell you that I am a suicide survivor -I failed at taking my own life in November of 2012- so I also know both sides of the coin. I can tell you, from that fact alone, as well as the fact that it is well-known I struggle with mental illness, that suicide is not selfish.
I am sick and tired of reading statements such as “you don’t think of anyone but yourself when you take your own life,” or “he/she just wasn’t strong enough and took the easy way out.” Are you freaking serious right now? Here is what I have to say about that:
1. You have no idea how many people we think of besides ourselves when we contemplate suicide. When I attempted suicide in 2012, it actually took more courage to even perform the act than you could EVER possibly imagine. I took my entire bottle of lithium (what was left from that month), which contained about 25 pills, each containing 300 mg, and with each handful swallowed I was more and more afraid, hands shaking, tears rolling down my face, heart beating out of my chest, questioning every single second, thinking of everyone BESIDES myself. You really have no idea. [I spent 3 days in critical care, before 7 days in the psychiatric unit, and that's all I will say about that right now.] For you to assume that we (I will use the term “we” as a collective for myself and others who have attempted, or committed, suicide) are selfish in any way is a very incorrect assumption. We think of everyone else constantly. We feel guilt, shame, pain, sadness, HORRIBLE things that do not go away when we are thinking about taking our own life. Do you honestly think we want to leave the people we love behind? That we want them hurting, sad, confused, and angry, wondering if they could have said or done anything to have had made a difference in our decision? We hold on FOR THOSE PEOPLE. Not for ourselves. For others. We fight. We struggle. We try and try and try. For you. For our parents. For our children. For our spouses or significant others. For our friends. We hang on until we feel like we can’t hang on anymore, because we want to be here for YOU. If we cared only about ourselves and were really that selfish, many of us would have succeeded in suicide long before I ever had the thought of even writing this.
By the way, I’m writing this for YOU. Because those of you that throw “selfish” and “pity” and whatever other terms you feel are appropriate in my face, need to be educated.
2. It has nothing to do with how strong or weak we are; it has to do with pain.
Emotional pain can be even more crippling than physical pain, in my experience. I’m actually a very strong person. If I weren’t, I would not have endured most of the things that have happened in my life. Even strong people fall down sometimes. It does not make us weak. It simply means we have been trying to be strong for far too long on our own. As for being the easy way out, there is nothing, NOTHING, “easy” about taking ones own life. The length of contemplation varies from one individual to the next, but “easy” is never in the cards. We could sit there for days, weeks, months – hours – thinking about it, and not be able to do it. Then there comes that one particular moment where the pain is just so great that you just stop thinking. That’s right; stop thinking. When the pain of being alive suddenly and startlingly outweighs the pain of thinking about everyone else, that’s when you stop thinking; and you just do it. Take from that what you will. To understand that kind of intense pain, you have to feel it.
Case in point, and one of the reasons that I became so passionate to spill this out so fervently: Robin Williams. In my opinion, one of the funniest people on earth. So full of passion, life, humor, and happiness; so it would seem. Behind the screens, behind the scenes, he was a human being just like me. A human being who struggled with documented severe depression, substance abuse disorder, and although he was never diagnosed with it, I can make an educated guess that he struggled with bipolar disorder, as well. His highly manic and overly dramatic, but hilarious, acting and stand-up; his hypomanic drama; his serious roles that always had a hint of real life and sadness in his eyes. The extremes of his behavior were evident, but no one ever thought about the possibility that there was more to it than just being an actor.
Robin Williams – The laughter and smile we all adored.
As you know, I run a page on Facebook called Ramblings of a Bipolar Sober Chick, same as the name of my blog. Surprisingly, I’ve only had a few “trolls.
In Internet slang, a troll is a person who sows discord on the Internet by starting arguments or upsetting people by posting inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community (such as a newsgroup, forum, chat room, or blog) with the deliberate intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion. This sense of the word troll and its associated verb “trolling” are associate with Internet discourse, but have been used more widely. Media attention in recent years has equated trolling with online harassment. For example, mass media has used troll to describe “a person who defaces Internet tribute sites with the aim of causing grief to families.
Sadly, exactly what has been happening with Robin Williams’ death
My latest personal troll stated on my last pinned status, which was a deepened definition of bipolar disorder with severe depression along with a quote, stated “Depression is not even a real illness. Suck it up and get over yourself and stop posting crap on Facebook that doesn’t even matter or exist. Everyone has emotions. Stop using yours as an excuse for being irrational.” I will not tell you what I WANTED to say to this person, but what I did say was, in fact…. nothing. I banned the person from my page, deleted the comment before it could hurt anyone dedicated to being a part of my community, and reported him to Facebook. Normally, responding to people like that is a waste of my time; it is also a very easy way to trigger me into an extremely emotional response, that if turned into an argument or conversation, will lead me to a place that I don’t want to go. Therefore, I protect myself and avoid it if at all possible. I encourage others to do the same. However, if it needs to be addressed, because it was directed at not only myself, but a member of my page, I will indeed address it, make sure the person has seen it, then promptly ban that person from my page. Some people, unfortunately, are relentless and will actually quite literally go right back out and make yet another Facebook page, or create another name, just so they can come back and torment some more. Fortunately, I have not had to experience this on my own page, but I have seen it done, and in time, as my members continue to grow, it is most likely inevitable that it will happen despite doing my best to ensure that it doesn’t. For the record, that same troll did not hit only my page. He apparently went around to every depression awareness, bipolar disorder awareness, and suicide awareness page that he could find and issue a similar, if not the exact same copy-and-paste statement to each and every one of them. Ignorance at its finest.
Although I ignored the statement then, I feel it imperative to address it, as briefly as possible, now.
Depression is an illness. Bipolar disorder is an illness. The term “mental illness” came from scientific research, observation, and eventually ‘proof’, if you will, that it exists. It exists through no fault of our own. There is a difference between sadness and depression. You can be sad about a situation or experience in your life, no matter how short or long; but depression -depression lasts a lifetime. It waxes and wanes, as does bipolar disorder, but it is never in actuality completely gone. It sits there, waiting for the next trigger, the next opportunity to tell you that you aren’t good enough; to tell you that this is not life, but merely existence. It makes you wonder why existence is so important. The chemicals and mechanics of our brain differ from those than people who are not sufferers, so do not tell me it doesn’t exist. I will throw every single bit of scientific evidence PLUS personal experience at you that I possibly can. That’s how angry, frustrated, and passionate this has made me.
“The eyes are the windows to our souls.” Can you see it? CAN YOU?
We smile through our pain, and we shouldn’t have to. Our eyes scream, how can you not see me in here? How do you not know my pain inside? How can you not see my obvious invisible torment? Key word: Invisible. Mental illness is called an invisible illness for a reason. Behind our smiles, our laughs, even behind our actual genuine moments of happiness, lies something someone who has never struggled with mental illness will never understand. Something that grips us, that grapples with our desire to be happy all the time -or at least pretend to be. Why should be feel like we have to pretend? Why do we have to hide?
Stigma has made us feel that way.
Stop the stigma. Come out from behind the curtain. #SpeakLife
The sorrow of a clown. The death of a clown. Not an ordinary clown, an extraordinary clown. He lit up my life, along with many others. With his facial expressions, his one-liners, his manic imitations; he made me laugh so hard sometimes I would cry -and little did I know he was crying inside. He enhanced my life, yet he couldn’t enhance his own. He struggled through not only mental illness, but substance abuse, overcoming cocaine addiction, and succeeding in being sober for 20 years from alcohol before relapsing. He took advantage of all the help available for all the struggles he had, yet still succumbed to the intense pain he tried to keep check inside of him. Robin Williams was a joker. Depression is not a joke.
A quote that I cannot compete with:
- The Little B
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The pages of my life, ripped to pieces; slowly being bound back together. Just a girl; thriving & recovering despite the stigma of mental health. I am just a simple girl, and I have bipolar 1 disorder with severe depression. I struggle with self-injury, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), Avoidant Personality Disorder, codependency, and I am a survivor of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse; I am also a recovering drug addict. I am a cancer survivor. One thing you should probably know before you read any further, if you haven’t figured it out already, is that I am extremely transparent. I am a Jesus-loving Christian, but I have plenty of flaws and defects, and although I’m not proud of them, I’m not afraid to show them. It means I am human, just as God created me. We all have things to work on. I live in Central Florida and I have 4 amazing (almost grown) children. My 2 boys are 21 and 14, and my 2 girls are 18 and 16. None of them live with me anymore. I have an incredibly long story. Perhaps some of the pieces will fall into words…. here. - Winter Park, FL, USA
