by BJW Nashe
We’ve all heard a lot about gun violence lately, and the need for stricter gun control legislation. This is a serious matter worthy of rigorous discussion and debate. But there is another crime wave underway that hasn’t received the attention it deserves. These crimes are far less deadly, but still very disturbing. I’m referring to a whole rash of incidents involving stolen sex toys and pornography. Surely we can all agree that these abominations must end. They are a blight upon our national character, and a threat to our most cherished liberties.
The crime wave got off to a bang in August 2011, with the “smash-and-grab sex toy thief” of Lorain County, Ohio. The perpetrator allegedly stole a big rig truck and crashed into an Adultmart novelty store in order to steal an item reportedly worth $800. The item was described as “the lower half of a female body,” with a specially designed “synthetic vagina.” The thief did take time out to return the truck, before fleeing on foot, clutching onto the stolen sex toy as if his life depended on it.
In February of this year, we had the incredible case of the stolen African-American porn. Earlie Johnson of Muskegon, Michigan had spent years amassing his prized collection of adult DVDs, only to discover one fateful day that thieves had broken into his house and made off with every last one of them. The 
collection was worth an estimated $7,500. But its sentimental value was far greater than a mere price tag could convey. “I had a collection that had every African American that’s ever been in porn, from the 70s up until now,” Johnson told a reporter from WZZM-TV. When asked how he planned to move forward following the theft, Johnson said he would just have to start buying porn all over again (this time on Blu-Ray). Sometimes even the most heartbreaking stories wind up with a happy ending, though. It turns out that Earlie’s plight struck a nerve with at least one person working deep in the heart (or bowels) of the adult entertainment industry. Not long after Johnson suffered his agonizing loss, Mike Kulich, owner of Monarchy Distribution (a porn company responsible for masterpieces such as “Double Fudge Brownies 2,” and “Homegirlz 3″) stepped forward with an offer to provide Johnson a free copy of every title in the extensive Monarchy catalog, as well as two free passes to the Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas next January. Earlie is ready to let the good times roll.
In April, an adult novelty store in Repentigny, Montreal was robbed during normal business hours. The brazen thief in this case stole $830 worth of vibrators, women’s lingerie and adult DVDs after threatening employees with a butcher’s knife. A store clerk said the man spent an hour or so browsing in the store, filling up a shopping with various items, before he brandished a knife at the counter, forcing the clerk to hand over $100 in cash. The man then fled with his bag of goodies and the hundred bucks.
Just a couple of weeks ago, on June 3, we had the “trunk full of sex toys robbery.” A woman named Chelsey Coutts from Sandy, Oregon had $500 worth of sex toys stolen from the trunk of her sedan, which was parked in front of her home. The kinky collection was evidently being gathered and stored for an upcoming bachelorette party. Coutts kept the items locked in the trunk to prevent her two young kids from stumbling across them stashed inside the house. “Gee Mom, what’s all this stuff for?” What Coutts didn’t anticipate was having her trunk broken into, and then having police officers show up requesting a detailed explanation of everything that had been stolen. Cops in the town of Sandy are probably still talking about this tantalizing case.
What’s the world coming to, when even a trunk full of dildoes is no longer safe from crime?
All citizens need to understand that their collections of sex toys and porn are in serious jeopardy, unless they are kept secure at all times. We can only hope that law enforcement agencies and neighborhood watch programs will be placed on high alert. Who knows? Special task forces may need to be formed. We may need armed guards at adult novelty stores. This latest epidemic of crime must be stopped, no matter what the cost.